I'm Beginning to Think my Neighbor's an Automaton
An excerpt from my diary
October 6th
Dear diary,
today, as I was boiling the water in my lobster tank to meal prep for the week, I noticed that some of the ungrateful bastards were apparently screaming and flailing about.1 This hurt my feelings a little, as I don’t like it when my food talks back to me, though it’s sadly too late to punish them since they’re in the great pot in the sky by now. But apart from making me angry that they didn’t appreciate my hospitality, it also made me a little curious.
After all, lobsters obviously don’t care that they’re being boiled, on account of looking weird, and other good reasons. Though so far I’ve been thinking that screaming when being boiled and trying desperately to escape are good signs that something feels pain. Boy do I look stupid! I suppose I’ll have to investigate further…
October 7th
Dear diary,
today I boiled a chicken alive. It was a little harder, but my scientific spirit prevailed over the cloud of feathers and the scratch marks from the chicken. As you can maybe tell, the results were pretty conclusive: there’s nothing wrong with boiling chickens alive. The chicken had basically the same reaction to being boiled as the lobster: screaming, thrashing, and generally making a valiant effort to escape. But when I realized she didn’t feel any pain from being boiled, she didn’t stand a chance—guess who’s having nuggets tonight!
Now, this result wasn’t really a surprise for me. Everybody knows chickens only have feelings when they’re in cute videos, and since I didn’t film the act (it wouldn’t have been a very cute video anyways), I should have expected this to happen. Still, I’m quite relieved, as it would be pretty bad if chickens were aware of all the things that happen to them at the farms.
October 30th
Dear diary,
sorry it’s been a while; I’ve been very busy. Since I last wrote in you, I have done many experiments—stray cats, dogs, ferrets, you name it. And let me tell you, not a single one has reacted negatively to being boiled. I had suspected that at least one of them would have felt pain by now, but they’re all reacting exactly like the lobster: screeching, whimpering, and trying to escape with all their might. I’m beginning to wonder whether only humans feel pain…
November 3rd
Dear diary,
now this was a surprise to me. I managed to capture my neighbor today. I initially felt a little bad for him, thinking he might be feeling terror and whatnot, but almost immediately upon waking up after I had knocked him out, he started showing signs of not caring what was happening to him: trying his best to escape, and yelling for help at the top of his lungs. At the top of his lungs wasn’t very loud though, since he had one of those gag-balls in his mouth.
I must say, I’ve never seen anyone feel so little pain when being boiled. Maybe I should’ve put a lit on the comically large pot, as he almost splashed some of the boiling water on me, due to his aggressive attempts at escape—that would’ve really hurt. Not only that, despite the gag-ball, his screaming really hurt my ears, and I could make out things like, “fuck you, you psychocunt,” “just fucking kill me already,” and “you’re worse than an average utilitarian” (that last one really hurt my feelings).
This actually made me worry a little that he might have been feeling something, seeing as he was expressing himself so articulately. But then I remembered those dogs that have buttons to annoy their owners. Since dogs reacted with apathy to being boiled, that must mean language isn’t a proxy for feeling pain—and on top of that, they eat dogs in South Korea. Then again, dogs are so cute that they must feel pain, and Koreans also play a lot of League of Legends, so now I don’t really know what to think. My best hypothesis is that the swearing and screaming was only an instinctual reflex to the hot water though, since it’s the limbic system that’s responsible for swearing, and even fish have that. But I think the best move from now is to publish my findings, so others can say what they think.
November 5th
Dear diary,
I’m so, SO sorry you had to go through that! Oh yeah, you’re not up to speed, are you? I didn’t really know where to publish my findings, so I went to the local library for help. The librarian wasn’t very helpful, though. Actually, she was the opposite of helpful, calling the police when I insisted I had done the experiments (I’m not in the business of fabricating data). It didn’t take the police long to find the comically large pot in my basement, as well as the body (I obviously didn’t eat him—I’m not a psycho!). The police didn’t really appreciate the import of my research, and so I was swiftly arrested. Luckily I was able to keister you through security (good thing you’re not a hardback), and so here we are: I’m now in jail, awaiting my trial. I wonder whether the jailors would mind being boiled alive… Probably unwise to try.
April 19th
Dear diary,
I was luckily able to plead inanity. Due to this, I’ve been getting some pills I have to take, and BOY have they been doing wonders! These combined with the time I’ve had to reflect, on account of being locked up, have made me realize my mistake: Obviously all these creatures—perhaps even the lobsters—felt excruciating pain by being boiled alive. I have been a complete fool to think anything to the contrary! Obviously the reason why what I’ve been doing has been completely permissible and not wrong in the slightest, is that it’s completely natural to inflict unimaginable suffering on animals—how could I have been so stupid as to think they didn’t feel pain?! Not only that, animals like chickens have been selectively bred to be eaten, so their suffering doesn’t actually matter. I must admit boiling my neighbor wasn’t very natural (sorry Mike, if you’re reading along), so I should keep that in mind and avoid doing unnatural things from now on.
When I get out (assuming I haven’t died from not washing my hands with unnatural soap), I think I’ll capture some dogs from around the neighborhood, and selectively breed them for human consumption—I suspect there’s a lot of potential in this idea! I suppose my basement might be a little small for that project. But then again, I’m sure it’s completely natural to keep animals in tiny cages, just like God intended. I’ll see you in a few decades to update you on the results—wish me luck!
Yes, I know that it’s not actual screaming, but steam escaping from their exoskeleton. But please indulge me for the sake of this not-too-serious post. And they do show other obvious signs of being in pain anyways, like whipping their tail and desperately trying to escape—so the point still stands.